Solution

Solution

Now a days I take it a day at a time and do what is required in day but don't over load. I work in the flow. I have a few friends who are supportive and understanding of me in my life. I try to act not react and not be too high or low but am detached and say a mantra and silence the demons or negative thoughts . I keep to self a lot as can't trust many now a days. Since I have company I am not as lonely and can tolerate being alone at times and amuse self with hobbies and such. I am learning boundaries for self and others. For the most part some don't get why I can't just do a 9-5 job. Their problem as I don't as have some medical problems. I don't need to be around them if they can't accept that answer or me. I look at what I do have daily and am grateful.

Recovery is like the stages of Death and Dying 1.Denial 2. Anger 3.Barter 4.Depression 5.Acceptance

At first one denies has a problem. May say just shy or down once in awhile. Gradually one makes changes in life to accommodate the illness. One gets angry when told one has a diagnosis and addiction. They barter can I have this if I give up this?! Then one gets very depressed and hardly functions. Suicide is contemplated. Eventually comes acceptance and an honest desire to change to save one's life.

Therapies I have used are CBT and DBT. CBT,cognitive behavioral therapy involves making positive statements to each negative statement, thought or old core belief learned as a child. Feeling Good* is a great book that uses this therapy to overcome depression. DBT,dialectical behavior therapy was created by Marsha Linehan to help mostly people with bipolar and borderline cope with stress daily and function higher. It is broken down to 4 parts.

1.Mindfulness-concentrate on what do 2. Interpersonal Skills-Assert rather than be passive or aggressive. Set boundaries for self and others. Operate in mastery and willingness and do what is needed not willfulness. May feel guilt if make a mistake but remember we all do so let it go and keep trying. Don't beat on self. 3. Distress Tolerance- Improve moment by like doing some thing fun. 4. Emotion Regulation- calm self with deep breathing. Operating in wise mind a combination of emotional and logical but not only either so more detached so do what have to .

Meditate
I meditate before bed. I turn off all lights and light a candle while I burn incense to ward off evil. I put on a tape of relaxing music,tend to be alone,sit in a comfortable position and say a mantra of ancient Sanskrit holy words over and over as shuts off my mind. If thoughts come just bring back to mantra (can be an affirmation like I am a good person). I do this during the one side of tape and often turn it over to the other for and hour total. I even do it when on lines in stores. It really helps. You could say an affirmation tho like 'I am enough,do enough,have enough'

Recovery Tools

1. Alternatives-Use passion put not addiction like sex to a hobby such as art,yoga/stretching which helps my spine,walk/hike in woods communing with nature,playing with my cats,gardening,cooking,birding and feeding wild birds out back,listening to music,sing and play guitar,reading (like Luanna Rice).

2.Affirmations- I challenge negative self talk with positive. Even write it down.

3. Boundaries-set for self and others

4. Prayer-I pray in morning. "Prayer doesn't change God but him who prays".

4. Literature- I do spiritual and ODAt in Alanon readings each morning and contemplate on reading and apply to my life. I also like to read inspirational material too.

5.steps

6. traditions-place principles over personalities

7. humor

8.meetings- I attend (SLAA) sex love addicts anonymous as none in my area. Meetings help against isolation on which addiction thrives.

Misuse of sex damages love of self and capacity to love another. Intention of addictive behavior is to find love and feel good. Such behavior anesthetizes pain and feelings. Need to see what non addictive relationships look like. Communication is key and each can function ok with out the other.* Go from density to light.If codependent don't neglect own responsibilities by helping another. Don't do for someone who can do for self. Don't ask for advice or give it.

9. journaling- to get in touch with one's feelings and what is going on in life.

10. Spirituality- As a child I was baptized a Catholic. Through the years i looked for more than ritual mass. I went to different churches such as Baptist Bible study,listened to Jehovah witnesses,looked at Mormon bible,studied Buddhism by listening to audiotape "One's Buddha Nature" by Jack Kornfield who used to be a Buddhist monk. I like the practice of random acts of kindness or pay it forward. If someone helps you help another.

"The difference between me and others is that I am awake" -Buddha I like the Eastern ways and studied under an Indian guru Sant Takhar Singh thru the Know Thyself as Soul Foundation. Can find out more on it thru net. I went on retreats and learned to meditate. Says world is all illusion and how we need to watch what we put in mind such as music,tv,movies,books,magazines as it effects how we feel and behave and can corrupt us. We will only be happy when we align our will to God's. I also like Native American drumming and chanting. They believe in Shamanism , holy men and communication with the spirits. I like their respect for the land which they say is lent to us and is our responsibility to take care of but not own.

11.Service- Help another. Yes we have pain and suffering. But because we are made in image of God we have intellect and we know the truth..So tho we may be lost for a time when we enter into the life of Christ, the life of sacrifice which will end in death. For each of us we can find our own unique calling to give of our selves to increase grace and resemble the Lord and this may decrease friend's. Our greatest joy is when we give unselfishly.

12. Eat Right. More on eating healthy.

13. Go outside (get light,sun as need vitamin D to fight depression)

14. Exercise-walk,bike as releases endorphins and you feel better.(even if afraid out as I go through this too. Unpredictable out there as can control what goes on home. I walk with pitbull. I went to park today. Was ok. I have to remember that the next time have to go out so get out as I have some agraphobia,social phobia. I also see others out and say if they can be so can I.

15. Get fresh air. Breathe in and let it out. Releases tension.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recommended Reading/Footnotes (as some material came from books)Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns,Recovery Inc. by Dr. Low,Women,SEx and Addiction by Dr. Kazl,Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie,Big Book by Alcoholics Anonymous,On Death and Dying by Kubler Ross,Bible




©2006

Bitch

Not a bad word as means you assert yourself and don't take people's crap. Next time someone calls you that,say thanks. Keep being that way as many in this society think kindness is weakness and step all over ya'.

Cool site I found taht touched on victim and triangle mentioned on previous post. It also has many otehr posts on daily happenings and opinions expressed on varying topics.
See Heartless Bitches

I used to think being nice would keep me out of trouble but it is best to be self. CAn be hard tho when can't trust taht person. Why I work a step program and take care of me and stay clear of toxic people. Who are they? Simmply they are those who we feel badly around.

Drama Triangle

Icarus Project

Is something I have done as an addict with emotional problems and codependent issues which perpetuated dependency on each of our parts (first with mom and me) then (male friend and me). It also involved some rescuing as took focus off each other. My part was acting like God and how I know what is best for you by being very controlling. At the same time others were my GOD so I didn't have to take responsibility for me and didn't trust my judgement. Such behaviour of changing from victim to rescuer to persecutor is called the Drama Triangle. I feel I help Bill, my friend as he doesn't do stuff for self like open mail. I have layed off alot and have made suggestions and not gotten angry and left for him to do or not. After I did stuff when didn't want to ..I felt resentment and took it out on him. He in turn would get angry with me if I backed off and did for self.

I also have been victimized in relationshps, on jobs and where i live by neighbors. Now is all can do about so I keep to self,ignore and avoid em. Seems to work. As for men I don't date as don't need to get close and they leave. As for jobs I work on own and trying to find model jobs .

For more on behavoior of triangel look here

The Problem

Problem


I was angry that I had to go thru all this stuff. I asked why me? God replied why not you? I never promised you it would be easy. All of us had burdens in life. Just some hide them better. When emotional like I can be it is more noticeable. I am trying to watch what I say and be positive as alot of it is how I think. Mental illness still contains stigma,anger and fear around it as it is not understood. Many think of us as nutty and dangerous. These are but a few and most of us are victims of crime due to our passivity,fear of others,being alone as we avoid others and they avoid us making us easy prey for criminals. Emotional illness effects us all to some degree as we all have emotions and live on the same earth. Many hide it and manage it better is all. None of came from perfect families and we all have issues. For some tho it is more and a chemical imbalance and is genetically and environmentally linked. Partially has to do on how was raised and runs in families just as addiction does and abuse. One acts today due largely on how was parented and socialized.

(BP) bipolar,which affects 3 million Americans alone, can be helped with therapy and medication. This is not 100% tho and there is no cure and nooone ever is recovers completely. It is just arrested daily and managed. How is it managed? By watching who one is around and what one does in a day to avoid stressors and toxic people. These same things would not bother the average person but because people with BP are more sensitive it does. Many artists:musician,actors,writiers have this but give so much to society. Some have shared on having this recently like Jane Pauley,Linda Hamilton and others to bring it more out to the open and not behind closed doors. One is only as SICK as one's secrets. In the light of day and by talking about them they become less scary. Why some have also shared in open forums such as hospitals at conventions,schools at the auditorium,churches,etc. so such individuals will be more accepted in society. Hate the sin not the sinner.

One can control one's strong reactions to certain people by disipating one's anger which is often a part of mental illness. Women tend to turn it inward as depression and men outward. We all do and say dumb things as are human. This helps us lose anger. Fear is another part of illness and one can get paranoid and think others are talking about and laughing at them and one is less then because has this and others know more as can think straight even tho we are smart. By turning it over to God and having faith this helps overcome this. Being around others closely in groups tho may still be hard and many function better working alone or at home and have a few friends and avoid groups of people and busy stores. What is mania? The oppposite of the lows of depression one feels happy but also irritable,stressed and the mind is racing with many thoughts so one has to keep moving and doing things. This is often caused by extreme stress,possibly a change in life. this is why it is important to limit change in life altho life is about change major changes can cause one to "cycle" or go in waves from high to low. Often caused also by not taking meds or taking them not at prescribed dose as dose often causes them to lose highs and they feel base line or not happy or sad. Often unfortunately many feel sad as not on right antidepressant or one needs to do more cognitive therapy which is changing negative thoughts to positive. *For more on bipolar click links on Bipolar Planet and Bipolar World Some keep mood charts. What are they?! Mood cahrts measure moods highs and lows based on teh days occurences and who came in contact with and waht was said and one's reactions to it. The goal is to realize can't control other's but we can act not act by accepting them and not personalizing everything like many with depression do.

Ten common thought distortions depressed people often follow are:

1.Mental filtering (something negative happens and then everything is negative)

2. Personalization-taking things personally

3. All or nothing thinking. Can't see greys. If one thing goes wrong it is all wrong.

4. Disqualifying the positive

5. Maximizing and minimizing.

6. Jumping to conclusions

7. Should statements

8. Overgeneralization

9. Emotional Reasoning_ex. I feel bad so therefore I am bad.

10. Labeling and Mislabeling

Those with (BPD) borderline personality disorder have abandonment,intimacy and trust issues. Often they have chosen partners and friends,employers who reinforce these feelings experienced as a child because they have unfinished business here. Also feel wouldn't attract a nice,caring man or woman friend. We can get child like at times as inner child comes out. It is important to acknowledge the child and not shove it down. Also illness resembles OCD,obsessive compulsive disorder as when one has a thought obsessing on it constantly like a new lover in the life,someone who has treated us shabbily or a job. Then one acts from a compulsive area acting out if lover doesn't call. for ex. May go out with someone else.

Also BPD is like PTSD,post traumatic disorder as when under stress brings up abuse as a child and low frustration level and trauma so gets symptomatic and back down from a job or relationship. What causes it? Due to neglect in home I was shy and withdrawn and an easy target for bullies in school. Also was a victim of crime a few times which caused me to dissociate or go some place in my head and can do that now if some one is unkind or abusive like was hit in face by an old b/f as he was screaming in my face. I came to have a hard time on job dealing with the social aspects of it. Men have not stuck with me and have left as couldn't handle or didn't understand or care to understand illness. How does one cope if feel like a child alot inside even tho in an adult body?! Mastery...the more we accomplish and grow in confidence we earn we can truly take care of us on our own and we lose the fear and the pain taht child experienced.She/he willl always be tehre ready to pop out screaming we don't want to do this at the oddest of times when presented with some thing we fear. Some times it is in our best interests to heed taht voice. Other times we must say I know you are afraid but I as an adult will now protect you so we don't get hurt. So the abuse stops and we come to terms with the past and can move on and forgive those who mistreated us in their pain.

Getting together with a friend or other support person helps me(once a week). Also speaking with therapist once a week. Unlike others I have few friends as is hard to understand this and to be around it. But that is now and I do continue to be friendly and atleast I am around people when I shop. Slowly I hope to open the gates of trust and in time be known and trusted also by more people.

I hope you enjoy my site. It is my wish that you learn something on addiction and emotional illness. Is intertwined with codependency, usually with another addict or rescuer who is also known as the enabler. It is rooted in the family dynamic and thus is a family illness and not just the addict's or emotionally ill person's problem. Difficulty with controlling emotions usually stems from lies were told and the ones we now tell ourselves. Many have depression and stress in lives now. I believe while we are all sensitive, some are more so than others and for them living and working closely to others who say and do wahtever without thinking of who they are speaking to can be very difficult. They do not have "thick skins" but thin despite being told to "toughen up".

The health care system doesn't work the way it is set up as there is a division in society with those who have emotinal challenges versus those who don't. Those with mental illness depend on mental health services and meds,live in group homes,work in MHA,mental health association,where they don't deal with the public. When the outside gets too hard they go in hospital for a week til insurance runs out and go back out to a society who doesn't understand them,doesn't care as they think not their problem and doesn't effect them. This creates a viscious cycle taht is repaeated by many in the System,instead of keeping people out and supporting thru positive reinforcement small steps to connect to healthier,tolerant,kind,consistent people.

Since I for instance KNOW I have problems and work on them daily and don't deny them..I am in some ways healthier then those who don't and kill,hurt their kids,elders,steal and what not. Also some have bipolar and other disorders and deny it and just work and struggle thru society and don't get along with others. What needs to happen is taht we become more accepting of those who are different as God doesn't make junk. We can all learn from each other. What have I lerned from this?! To be humble and lose ego..Because of this the way I look at life is different. It's not about making alot of $ but live comfortable and be able to enjoy it and consider the poor and help thy neighbor. Sometimes this means smiling,saying a kind word,opening or holding a door. People can be cruel as don't understand it which makes person keep to self and stay depressed as can be lonely living this way. I want to add that it isn't mentally healthy to be mean to another. Cho,who killed all the student at VA Tech was bullied all thru high school himself. While many won't kill just because hurt by others is important to look at self and ask do I want to perpetuate this just because I see others do it?! Can I risk not being popular and say Enough!

We can only create a healthier society by stopping the sick way many of us speak to one another. We are all equal and worthy and God's children. We deserve love and respect just because we are alive and not for what we do which often is never enough as we have been told as children that many things we did were wrong and perhaps even we were bad. Doesn't help when many in society are the same way because of what they came out of. All we can do is stick with supportive,uncritical,loving people and minimize contact with those we don't feel good around. We also need to change the tapes that run in our heads of negative statements some have said to us. Were the words true? If not,rewrite them and move on.

Marsha Linehan,founder of DBT,says she 2 has BPD

Can find link to this post here to read her story.

hmm..guess didn't add link but it's on net so google it.

Good food for you...

(hint)MmcDonald's double cheese burger and fries,while still a good deal at $ 1.20 not 99 cents, is not one of them! Read more

America's Got talent..Inspiration

'Abundant Life' blog. The author is a practicing Christian,something rare these days. She has inspirational quotes from the Bible on her blog like on fruit,faith and works. It lifted my spirits and will yours as well. 'Come tho you be burdened and heavy laden and you will be comforted." my children..

Tracey Chapman and Peter Gabriel singing 'Don't Give Up!'

building school in South Africa
playing wor world change. We're all in this together!
voices round the world..


at 'A Disgruntled Republican!' Funny clip on Obama's stimulus package, a real hoot!

well..not love LUV. Like I'm not a dyke or anything folks! Speaking of..are you gay?! Check this funny video out of her stand up routine on gays or being gay or what the hell is she anyway?! Like she lives with a guy and has a girl friend ok? oh yeh he's herhusband! But don't get me wrong folks. i really d don't give a shit!
Why do i luv her? Well everything is fair game to her,like most good comedians and comediennes..they find the humor in everything even a href="">. Embrace our inner ape folks!

A Creed To Live By

Don't undermine your worth by comparing
yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set your goals by what other people
deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them
life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time,
you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don't dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget
not only where you've been, but also where you're going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored
each step of the way.

~ Nancye Sims ~






"Letting Go"

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off....
It's the realization that I can't control another.....

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

~ ~ ~ ~ author unknown ~ ~ ~ ~


Do everything with a mind that lets go.
Do not expect any praise or reward.
If you let go a little, you will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.
If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom.
Your struggles with the world
will have come to an end.

insight meditation - achaan chah



Subject: Life is a Gift

There was once a blind girl who hated herself
for no other reason except that she was blind. She hated everyone,
except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that
if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One
day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see
everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, "Now that
you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when
she saw that her boyfriend was blind. Not wanting to be burdened by a
'blind' person, she refused to marry him. Her loving, devoted and
understanding boyfriend walked away in tears, his heart obviously
broken. The girl who had been so fortunate to have the world opened up
to her, continued enjoying it; day in and day out....trying to never
miss a single pleasure life had to offer. A while later she received a
letter from her ex-boy friend which stated simply......."I sincerely
hope you enjoy your life. Your happiness was all that ever mattered to
me. I am so happy that you are enjoying life as I always hoped you
could. "I would like to ask one parting favor of you my dear ... Just
take care of my eyes."


This as sad as it may seem is how the human
brain changes when our status changes. Only a few remember what life was
like before and who has always been there even in the most painful
situations.


Life Is A Gift Today! Before you think of
saying an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife -
Think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion.

Today, before you complain about life - Think of
someone who went too early to their graves.

Before you complain about your children - Think
of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone
didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the
streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive -
Think of someone who walks the same distance.

And when you are tired and complain about your
job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they
had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or
condemning another -Remember that not one of us are without sin and we
all answer to one maker.


And when depressing thoughts seem to get you
down - Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still
around.


Life is a gift...
Live it...
Enjoy it....
Celebrate it...
And fulfill it.
Celebrate the gift and open your present
daily.....
"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way."



No mistake I read this today as is just what I needed as I get very down. I get angry at mean spirited people or when I feel slighted by so called freinds when they let me down. It is then I need to dig in my heels and pray more and do more for myself and don't depend on others who may let me down or some who say mean things as they hurt and have been hurt and is how they were treated. Have felt pretty down of late but I am working it thru. I do mantra to Let Go of the thoughts,problems and people in my life...and let God in. I can't, he can I think I'll let him. When I try to run the show I always feel bad. Hard to know what his will is for me tho..today is do the laundry and then work on this site a bit and take a nap,eat and watch some tv later. My priority is keeping me well. I had suicidal thoughts Friday but my pets save me as they,mom and birds depend on me. I feel lonely as am alone alot as I protect self. I am around people tho when go to store and such so not alone in world tho I get lonely. Goal is to keep self safe daily and do the next sober thing.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it..."~~Mark Twain

I need to have some forgiveness like I show to my mom who did her best with what she had but I still was a neglected kid. It is that kid in me that feels these feelings when it gets triggered by others. I lived with my dad's aunt and daughter growing up with my aunt's daughter visiting and they pretty much took over raising me as they hated my mom and bullied her. Why did they hate her?! Because they felt she wasn't good enough for my dad who wasn't perfect either. My mom is a person and has good in her and is smart. One of the greatest things I see in her is acceptance of how things are in life. I am an idealism who tries to change the world around me.. I do not think it isn't admirable to be like me as I do change a few things in this life by being in it Like "It's a wonderful life" our lives do touch others' lives for better or worse and there is a lesson to be learned in the contact we make with others. She also lowers her expectations of others and life so she isn't disappointed. I expect good and am disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way. I then feel down for the attempt. Perhaps I need to be more realistic of how things and people are. I need to look for the good in each day and in people and not their faults.

My mom left when I was 16..I visited her and later came to live with her as they had replaced scapegoating her with doing it to me. Not fun. She for the most part watched tv after work and I had depressed by 16. Also in car accident with head injury. Also mugged and beaten up. It effected me as I couldn't concentrate,sad alot,had problems remembering stuff thus home work was hard. Also got picked on by a few men @ 30 at job at hospital which was ridiculous due to my age. .Didn't learn how to deal with conflict but started avoiding it and ignoring perpetrators. I learned to keep to self to avoid pain.Being alone did make me an easy target tho for bullies and young people in groups as they would throw the occasional insult to impress friends. Also have been a crime victim several times as walked alone and wasn't a fighter.l I have become more alert to my surroundings and am not out ast night,don't carry much cash,moved to rural area and so on..

I am finally coming to terms with this stuff now instead of the weekly check in at the therapist's office. She says what's new? How's it going? Then poof time is up. Guess is what therapy and 12 step and journaling is about as it brings it to the front. Can't hide from it any longer. Deal with it or stay buggy. Why it is a courageous act as few really want to face past and selves now to free self for a better tomorrow. Is easier to escape it with food shopping or whatever for the quick fix and burry head in sand and avoid it and stay as nutty as everyone around knows you are and doesn't tell you. Maybe some do but it is said in such a way that hurts your feelings and you retaliate rather than do anything. Many of us are this way due to unhealed issues of the past. I stay away from joining clubs that might interest me for fear I may not be accepted,uncomfortable with new people and just have acquaintences and coworkers at school and work but no ,one close or to care about or be cared for.