Borderline (old post)...

moved it from my 'frugal' blog as fits in better here. Borderline Personality Disorder and Me... keeping well: spend time with select family,friends,support groups,chats,online and locally,humor,distract with movie,tv,not triggering),volunteering,cooking nice meal,hugging self,compassion for self,others,prayer,dropping judgement,expectations,comparing,moping,self pity,manipulating,complaining,worry,hypersensitivity,letting go of,making peace with past,forgiving those who hurt us,accept,be honest,courageous,positive,grateful,remember where were before,(replace old negative statements in writing with positive ones,reduce anger,fear with reframing,working self down,staying in day,control addictions,ask for help,company,not enabling helps. All relative. Put inspiring quotes on walls. Peace,God bless,good luck to all of us. Work it, worth it,stronger,better than you know. Brain remembers,we learn in time not to repeat same mistakes and walk down different st. so don't fall in hole again. Is crux of it. Weren't loved so we have to love us. Don't accept others trash just because have issues,maybe poor,jobless,friendless as keep to self to avoid pain or not being understood. No.one deserves abuse. It ends here,now when we say enough and take back that child,person wounded,depend on selves not another as a crutch,learn to and receive love and walk. No shame,not to blame. We didn't cause this but responsible for what do with it. Is like a balloon. By doing techniques I gave you and do myself,we let a little air out of it at a time so suffering lessens and is bearable We are great and survivors. If you are still here,you are doing more right than wrong. Nothing wrong with us,more like what happened to us. Celebrate your survival. When you finally overcome this you are a miracle and learn to love yourself. No one can take that from you. Our journey inspires others to make the same as we fly on the backs of us pioneers just like geese taking turns leading,squawking,til we tire and let our sister,brother lead for a time til we reach our goals. Perfection is an illusion. We are ok right now as are,not defective.We need each other as we are part of a unique flock. We are not crazy but have been exposed to violence,etc. that made us function in maladaptive ways as we couldn't be direct to our abusers. When we find a safe place to live,take the right medicine,find a trauma therapist,meet other BPD peers,begin to use these tools above, the healing begins. Don't expect people who haven't lived this to understand and ask for advice as they can't give it to you. Is like we speak an unknown language. They can have empathy but they need to be in a group to deal with us. We are not bad just very misunderstood.

Besides seeing doctor for medicine and talk therapy can do..

Some services include:

- Meditation classes/groups(includes deep breathing,stretching,relaxing music)
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Recovery Inc,EA,DBT,CBT classes/groups


* - Sharing on self-help techniques from Recovery Inc. and E.A. based on 12 steps of recovery.(email,$5/email) Books available. Google Recovery Inc. Book is Mental Health Through Will Training by Dr. Abraham Low. and Emotions Anonomys
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-Teaching cognitive therapy(CBT) skills such as writing down most common worry,negative,angry,fearful,thoughts and flipping them around to secure thoughts so feel more comfortable. Book available. Feeling Good by Dr.Robert Burns.
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-Teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills such as mindfulness which is observing,describing,dropping judgement or interpreting event so don't work self up or down and get angry,fearful and keep self respect.
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- Faith-based healing ex. reading bible and clinging to scripture if feel fear,anger,encounter a difficult or person scared of.
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art classes,groups(healing)

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-a blog sharing alternative healing techniques that can be used with medication,doctor,therapist visits such as affirmations,aromatherapy,

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And more!
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I find the medical field can only do but so much and that we get a lot out of sharing our stories of recovery,management,improving,making small strides,successes with others(peers) who have been there or are living with these challenges too. If ask for advice from someone who doesn't go through this,they can say what they would do but they aren't us. They also don't know or understand what we go through.. If we compare ourselves to them and visa versa,will will always come up short and feel oppressed. They could read a book,go to a therapy session with you and even be around others such as us but even then they would be educated on this,even know how to speak to us so as to not make us feel worse. Is called mirroring and empathy. Doctors trained in trauma which I have been through can help me as have seen many who have been through what I have,ex.been a crime,domestic violence,child abuse,neglect,bullying victim. It is common for us to gravitate to home where safe and to have social problems with others as they can't relate to us and visa versa.
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Suggestions are ok but advice isn't as is asking for it. What may be good for you is not for another. It leads to enablement,manipulation,self pity instead of compassion,experience+,strength,courage,hope and independence. Experience says I have done this before and it was ok like I walked to post office,see others going there and I came home ok. As survivors of violence,abuse,neglect,we need to firstly take the medicine,secondly keep ourselves safe,not accept anyone's garbage or judgements or comparisons of us to them but also not compare,judge them as well as our situation now,lower our expectations of self,others, situation,accept(Last stage of book Death and Dying). These stages one goes through with any catastrophic injury,event or illness. It takes awhile for the mind to process it all.
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If someone says something mean about us,in ear shot or to us, we can chew on it and spit it out.If any truth to it we can work on it but if not we can let it and person go as is their problem not ours. We don't have to absorb that like a sponge and feel hurt.

Next we need to stop complaining,moping but keep busy,feeling sorry for self but have compassion for have been through,worrying.

After we see why the way are we can do something about it. Other wise are just feeling our way around in the dark without a flash light. A good therapist will be with you on as much of your journey as possible,sometimes holding your hand as you open the doors where you don't know what lies behind them. If we keep going and moving beyond our comfort zones and facing our fears and rejection from others as they don't understand(is why we keep talking to them about what are going through. ex. feeling,here at,what happened. Others say just do this you moron. It is so obvious,easy even. It is for them as don't have a gorilla on their back saying 'No!' They are not at here are so don't act like us. Doesn't make them better. It just explains why it has been hard to fly through life like them as one of or wings have been broken and we have been clueless as to how to mend it,can we mend it,do we even want to mend it as have lived this way for so long in pain,incredible pain and unbearable loneliness and fear and often anger as others can react to us cruelly out of exasperation. Why is best when asked how we are say ok and not speak of this but to a few supportive people.)

We often feel conflicted and have to just do the next sane,sober thing when in doubt or do nothing until the answers come. Often we feel incredible fear as don't know what to do. Sometimes are detached and feel nothing at all. Other times are right back in the past with flashbacks of our trauma like it is happening right no. Yes we can let go of the past No we don't forget it but it is a release so we get some perspective on it and can keep going as not there anymore. we sometimes fear though if put in same situation again it will repeat to which I say. 'The outer environment,people don't have maximum thrust and we have minimum resistance'. (quote from Recovery Inc. book). Is a balancing act with us as we can be overwhemed,overstimulated by too much information from media,being with people too long. We can distance selves and go home hen need quiet or shut off radio for a cd instead to quiet our mind. We really can control our minds quite a bit by little changes. Also if we do these things home, it is easier to cope with stress when with others and have a lot to do quickly and so on.

As in book I Hate you,don't leave me ,we can send out mixed messages as our moods fluctuate to being mature and strong to childlike and scared. Is because our thoughts are all over the place. May be hard to gage who one is talking to at any given day. No we are not split personalities. The goal is to integrate one personality with all these eclectic therapies and techniques. The work can be exhausting on patient and doctor which is why many don't take us on. I think it is because when childlike it is hard to do what is necessary as are dealing with a child,seeing the world through the eyes of a child. Then a doctor doing 'tough love' is unbearable and can send a person with borderline(my diagnosis) running. On the flip side,if one treats a person with borderline(notice I don't say a borderline just as I don't say sick,mentally ill as are stigmatizing,negative,degrading labels) as a sick child all the time even hen they are feeling capable and well,the person with BPD as it is called ill get angry and feel is being pitied and no progress is being made.

We can't handle overgeneralization like'she knows the coping tools but has trouble using them' as if didn't use them wouldn't be here still as this is a battle that goes on within the person. Knowing how to treat,talk to based on experience with many with this disorder,successfully is essential and not just a social worker who treats many illnesses as we are challenging. Due to the social difficulties, people with this illness have a high suicide rate. It is treatable though. ) Being kind is best approach to person with this and to calmly assuage her/his allegations of one not caring and alleged wrong doing.

I personally find my relationship with God and Jesus and relying on the Holy Spirit within me, most satisfying. By this I mean relying on ourselves with the strength,courage and guidance we get from God when we speak to him and read the word and apply it to our lives.

'Set your affection on things above,not on things on the earth'' Col 3:2

Again, services can be done in person or online through email and directing you to information online.


'Recovery from trauma is a journey similar to life. It is not a destination'.


If you have found anything interesting,helpful to you or a loved one with this,or an emotional illness, please make a donation to Recovery Inc.,Emotions Anonomous(non profits) or to me through my P O Box 1102 Cairo,NY 12413 c/o Ann Reilly. I am a financially struggling artist,designer,writer. My web site,blogs are here to help the public and share my story with you. I live on disability(notice don't say disabled as have many abilities and I believe in being proactive) and the art ,jewelry I sell is sporadic and supplements my income. Thanks. I wish you all the best on your journey to wellness or your loved one's and I thank you for visiting my page and ,for educating yourself about mental illness,it's causes,treatments so can share this with others to erase stigma,shame(we didn't cause this) and encourage inclusion of those afflicted into society and not exclusion so they can enjoy the same rights as you do. We too are human with feelings,in fact we feel so much more than you that it becomes hard to function normally.


I also thank you for supporting programs,groups,online mental health chat and learning coping tools, that work to help one cope with this and improve one's functioning, so one doesn't commit suicide(support out of the darkness walks. One in Catskill,NY on October 1st,2011)-

Donor Drive to support suicide prevention programs.


'Every life is precious in the eyes of the Lord and all of us are here for a unique divine purpose in his order of things'.


'Lean not to thy own understanding but trust in the Lord and He will direct thy path and make the crooked ways straight.' -The Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6


Many blessings,


Ann :)




Survivor's Art Foundation



SAMHA Substance Abuse Mental Health Association


DBSA Depression Bipolar Support Association



NAMI National Association for the Mentally Ill


BIANYS Brain Injury Association of NY state




Body,Mind,Spirit Directory

Walking closely with God..

and doing the next sober thing..I am keeping self,pets,home safe. I also feed my wild birds,bunnies out back. All I have control over. I do what can. Good Karma.

As far as career goes.. I say I am an artist. I have made $ off modeling but will only do projects I feel comfortable with. I had done cam chat too but am not doing it anymore as fed my addiction. As for addiction...my first feeble attempts at intimacy were met with abandonment. I thought man would stick by me once we "did it". Not the case..on to next is what they do. Is best not to rush into it unless know real well. Nice in theory but being human hard to control hormones. I also found with rejection is was less painful to have sex when I wanted it but soon it became a compulsion. I also felt embarrassed and guilty by what did as double standard for women. I tried to fight this as a feminist and as men did. In reality I was not a man and had more to risk than a man and paid the price.

Of late I journal in blog here and yes I have the web site so I guess I am sharing my experience,strength and hope with others on this same road. Yes we can live with this,we do not need to be ashamed as is a a sickness like any other and yes we can get better. It does take time. Don't let anyone put you down.

I am trying to come to terms with what has happened to me..the why's,how's and so on. From my understanding..I was hurt by some pretty sick people who them selves were hurt. Also it made them feel better about selves to pick on me for being different and not doing to 9-5 job or whatever their problem with me was. None of their business. It took focus off them. I in turn hurt people by following the drama triangle...one minute perpetrator,next minute victim next minute rescuer..I caught self in it with friend the other day and I caught my self and I said what he does is not business. When I get plank out of my eye can take out speck in his. I had to look at good in him and there is alot there. I have no right to hurt another. I am far from perfect yet he accepts me,cares and isn't judging.

I also resented the men I was hurt by who used me and in turn I said well use him back. I know they feared intimacy like me and settled for this way of getting close if only for a night..which was a misuse of sex and addictive.

I didn't know how to relate to anyone in a healthy way as I didn't accept me. I never was accepted for me. I do now with my flaws and mistakes. I am human. I was brought up to be perfect so human was not acceptable. I am a human being not doing. I have learned it's not about me or you but God. To do what is necessary daily and not just what I want. It doesn't mean I don't have some thing to contribute like my writing as I think I have some thing to say based on what I have learned. I have a place in this world and don't need to excuse myself for being on the planet anymore. I think in this way I can relate to others and be kind without trying to save them,control them and then persecute them when they do not do as I say like I am God and then play the victim. I can only handle me and man that is enough.

So for today I can say I am writing. As a model yes some stuff was published in book,magazine,on web sites,private collectors and yes I was paid so am accomplished by society's standards. I even had a poem published. I have written articles for news paper.

These days I would say I am trying to find some thing to get absorbed in and feel good about. What is a success? Could be many things..being a good parent,having a career,being a good spouse...is a person thing. For me it is having a purpose for good and living a decent life and when I put my head on the pillow being able to live with me. It is not about money. All I need is enough to get by. I don't date as I need to get strong enough in me so don't repeat behaviour of past so I stop being hurt. I am taking care of me and don't need a man to complete me.

Solution

Solution

Now a days I take it a day at a time and do what is required in day but don't over load. I work in the flow. I have a few friends who are supportive and understanding of me in my life. I try to act not react and not be too high or low but am detached and say a mantra and silence the demons or negative thoughts . I keep to self a lot as can't trust many now a days. Since I have company I am not as lonely and can tolerate being alone at times and amuse self with hobbies and such. I am learning boundaries for self and others. For the most part some don't get why I can't just do a 9-5 job. Their problem as I don't as have some medical problems. I don't need to be around them if they can't accept that answer or me. I look at what I do have daily and am grateful.

Recovery is like the stages of Death and Dying 1.Denial 2. Anger 3.Barter 4.Depression 5.Acceptance

At first one denies has a problem. May say just shy or down once in awhile. Gradually one makes changes in life to accommodate the illness. One gets angry when told one has a diagnosis and addiction. They barter can I have this if I give up this?! Then one gets very depressed and hardly functions. Suicide is contemplated. Eventually comes acceptance and an honest desire to change to save one's life.

Therapies I have used are CBT and DBT. CBT,cognitive behavioral therapy involves making positive statements to each negative statement, thought or old core belief learned as a child. Feeling Good* is a great book that uses this therapy to overcome depression. DBT,dialectical behavior therapy was created by Marsha Linehan to help mostly people with bipolar and borderline cope with stress daily and function higher. It is broken down to 4 parts.

1.Mindfulness-concentrate on what do 2. Interpersonal Skills-Assert rather than be passive or aggressive. Set boundaries for self and others. Operate in mastery and willingness and do what is needed not willfulness. May feel guilt if make a mistake but remember we all do so let it go and keep trying. Don't beat on self. 3. Distress Tolerance- Improve moment by like doing some thing fun. 4. Emotion Regulation- calm self with deep breathing. Operating in wise mind a combination of emotional and logical but not only either so more detached so do what have to .

Meditate
I meditate before bed. I turn off all lights and light a candle while I burn incense to ward off evil. I put on a tape of relaxing music,tend to be alone,sit in a comfortable position and say a mantra of ancient Sanskrit holy words over and over as shuts off my mind. If thoughts come just bring back to mantra (can be an affirmation like I am a good person). I do this during the one side of tape and often turn it over to the other for and hour total. I even do it when on lines in stores. It really helps. You could say an affirmation tho like 'I am enough,do enough,have enough'

Recovery Tools

1. Alternatives-Use passion put not addiction like sex to a hobby such as art,yoga/stretching which helps my spine,walk/hike in woods communing with nature,playing with my cats,gardening,cooking,birding and feeding wild birds out back,listening to music,sing and play guitar,reading (like Luanna Rice).

2.Affirmations- I challenge negative self talk with positive. Even write it down.

3. Boundaries-set for self and others

4. Prayer-I pray in morning. "Prayer doesn't change God but him who prays".

4. Literature- I do spiritual and ODAt in Alanon readings each morning and contemplate on reading and apply to my life. I also like to read inspirational material too.

5.steps

6. traditions-place principles over personalities

7. humor

8.meetings- I attend (SLAA) sex love addicts anonymous as none in my area. Meetings help against isolation on which addiction thrives.

Misuse of sex damages love of self and capacity to love another. Intention of addictive behavior is to find love and feel good. Such behavior anesthetizes pain and feelings. Need to see what non addictive relationships look like. Communication is key and each can function ok with out the other.* Go from density to light.If codependent don't neglect own responsibilities by helping another. Don't do for someone who can do for self. Don't ask for advice or give it.

9. journaling- to get in touch with one's feelings and what is going on in life.

10. Spirituality- As a child I was baptized a Catholic. Through the years i looked for more than ritual mass. I went to different churches such as Baptist Bible study,listened to Jehovah witnesses,looked at Mormon bible,studied Buddhism by listening to audiotape "One's Buddha Nature" by Jack Kornfield who used to be a Buddhist monk. I like the practice of random acts of kindness or pay it forward. If someone helps you help another.

"The difference between me and others is that I am awake" -Buddha I like the Eastern ways and studied under an Indian guru Sant Takhar Singh thru the Know Thyself as Soul Foundation. Can find out more on it thru net. I went on retreats and learned to meditate. Says world is all illusion and how we need to watch what we put in mind such as music,tv,movies,books,magazines as it effects how we feel and behave and can corrupt us. We will only be happy when we align our will to God's. I also like Native American drumming and chanting. They believe in Shamanism , holy men and communication with the spirits. I like their respect for the land which they say is lent to us and is our responsibility to take care of but not own.

11.Service- Help another. Yes we have pain and suffering. But because we are made in image of God we have intellect and we know the truth..So tho we may be lost for a time when we enter into the life of Christ, the life of sacrifice which will end in death. For each of us we can find our own unique calling to give of our selves to increase grace and resemble the Lord and this may decrease friend's. Our greatest joy is when we give unselfishly.

12. Eat Right. More on eating healthy.

13. Go outside (get light,sun as need vitamin D to fight depression)

14. Exercise-walk,bike as releases endorphins and you feel better.(even if afraid out as I go through this too. Unpredictable out there as can control what goes on home. I walk with pitbull. I went to park today. Was ok. I have to remember that the next time have to go out so get out as I have some agraphobia,social phobia. I also see others out and say if they can be so can I.

15. Get fresh air. Breathe in and let it out. Releases tension.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recommended Reading/Footnotes (as some material came from books)Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns,Recovery Inc. by Dr. Low,Women,SEx and Addiction by Dr. Kazl,Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie,Big Book by Alcoholics Anonymous,On Death and Dying by Kubler Ross,Bible




©2006