Thursday, November 17, 2011
Artzstuf - Artzstuf,welcome - Cairo, NY
Artzstuf - Artzstuf,welcome - Cairo, NYThis post was linked to my now defunct web site. had a free month trial. Since got no biz or rather money off it, I cancelled it. I did get some views as about 250 people have come to read this nonexistant post lol! hahah...
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Ann Reilly October 30, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
thanks for topic and web site. I can relate to all your stories. I also know alot about bpd as have been diagnosed with it ,bipolar,head,spinal injury. First hospitalization was when i was 21 for a month after smoking weed with a neighbor who didn’t trust(didn’t trust self. Learned to trust gut.) Anyway it was laced and i was raped and had a psychotic break and was taken to mental hospital in a straight jacket after being in apartment below him with my poor mom for a week.
It has taken me years to get better. Mostly who I hurt along way was me and my mom. I suppose anyone who loved me but never felt they did but just used me for sex. Can be very used if have this and BP as hypersexual is part of it as ‘act out’. Medicine helps greatly. This illness largely stems from’poor raising’ in a home was neglected and ‘invalidated’ in. Noone was interested in me. Raised self. Caused acceptance problems as felt rejected by them,also in school with peers as acted differently based on my experiences and couldn’t relate well,same at work,same in relationships both with friends and lovers as they found me odd. you would be too if lived what i have. i make no excuse for self but explains alot. I am lucky to be alive. I have been a crime victim several times as am alone alot,once at gunpoint. Violence,trauma,rape,domestic violence,assault,evictions,addiction,crazy unstable relationships,can’t keep a job,victimization,real or imagined is all part of it as live what know and repeat it again and again until with alot of help stop it as very compulsive. Today I keep to self. Am in no relationship(don’t want to have to live up to someone’s expectations or be disappointed by another). Trust is a big part of it and not there yet.,celibate for 4 years,have attended ‘SLAA’ sex and love addicts for my craving for love and settling for sex and then losing self respect and self in process. I often put self in compromising situations that out of fear went along with things. Red flag if scared shouldn’t have been is someone’s car,home,etc. I tried to be what wasn’t to fit in.
Now am an artist,jewelry designer,blogger,who has had some work published I am happy about. I see value in my story and pain to help others find a way out of it and to understand those they know with this. We didn’t cause it but we are responsible for what do with it. We need to be accountable and save selves you can’t save someone who doesn’t want saving. Is a battle within,sick part doesn’t want to get better but healthy side does. See it in alcoholics,drunks. Perhaps they too have this or BP. Borderline is an illness where person is on the border between neurosis and psychosis. It is a severe mental illness,despite what doctors have thought for years inthat it wasn’t one. It is multiple illnesses in one(PTSD,depression,anxiety,social phobia,agraphobia,paranoia.) Once k now what dealing with,it is highly treatable if person is commited to healing. Those in life need to go to therapist to cope and if in a relationship couples therapy. ‘Excuse rather than accuse’,set boundaries,love,have compassion not pity,encourage but don’t let self be a target to abuse or anger from person. Noone deserves that. This is a very spiritual experience and i believe one needs help in many eclectic treatments to overcome this almost divine intervention like a demon within. many with this were early sexualized,thus the sex piece and the power from looking good,closeness to opposite sex,being noticed. Sadly the personality is such that when get close to us we can crumble. I believe was the sad case of marilyn monroe(what a smart,beautiful yet tragic,childlike,needy person). i often feel like her as in when need help or want someone to talk to do something with,noone is there. i have an advocate though from BIANYS(brasininjury assoc.). I believe partly head injury brought this illness out and had the predisposition in family as other have mental problems. I have seen recently that my mouth gets me in trouble and best to be quiet as am misunderstood as alot of what i do is hard to control like a seizure,meds help. Working a program really helps too as not alone as in support groups on phone as live rural and stigma here. Fear,anger are big parts of this. my faith helps the fear. Compassion for self and others)forgive past and present imagined hurts,slights) helps as we are all imperfect and do the best can. I grew up in a home had to be perfect in. Society strives for this too. Also many mixed messages around sex,double standard. Alot of pressure put on women to be super people. Rejected when aren’t. This lessens anger for rude things people say at times to us as we are an enigma. So much going for us. look for the good i say in eachother,let go let God. You can’t do it alone. Addiction,madness is built in isolation.
These are very common illnesses as thousands of people in US alone are afflicted,just don’t hear about it as those who are lucky are in support groups like Recovery Inc.(google it),’Emotions Anonomous” based on AA 12 steps slogans. I have great faith in God,love my pets which keep me alive and give me something to care for besides me. I also do dialectical and cognitive behavior therapy and meditate. I share my experience,strength and hope with you.
Walking daily in the light.
-Ann
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
thanks for topic and web site. I can relate to all your stories. I also know alot about bpd as have been diagnosed with it ,bipolar,head,spinal injury. First hospitalization was when i was 21 for a month after smoking weed with a neighbor who didn’t trust(didn’t trust self. Learned to trust gut.) Anyway it was laced and i was raped and had a psychotic break and was taken to mental hospital in a straight jacket after being in apartment below him with my poor mom for a week.
It has taken me years to get better. Mostly who I hurt along way was me and my mom. I suppose anyone who loved me but never felt they did but just used me for sex. Can be very used if have this and BP as hypersexual is part of it as ‘act out’. Medicine helps greatly. This illness largely stems from’poor raising’ in a home was neglected and ‘invalidated’ in. Noone was interested in me. Raised self. Caused acceptance problems as felt rejected by them,also in school with peers as acted differently based on my experiences and couldn’t relate well,same at work,same in relationships both with friends and lovers as they found me odd. you would be too if lived what i have. i make no excuse for self but explains alot. I am lucky to be alive. I have been a crime victim several times as am alone alot,once at gunpoint. Violence,trauma,rape,domestic violence,assault,evictions,addiction,crazy unstable relationships,can’t keep a job,victimization,real or imagined is all part of it as live what know and repeat it again and again until with alot of help stop it as very compulsive. Today I keep to self. Am in no relationship(don’t want to have to live up to someone’s expectations or be disappointed by another). Trust is a big part of it and not there yet.,celibate for 4 years,have attended ‘SLAA’ sex and love addicts for my craving for love and settling for sex and then losing self respect and self in process. I often put self in compromising situations that out of fear went along with things. Red flag if scared shouldn’t have been is someone’s car,home,etc. I tried to be what wasn’t to fit in.
Now am an artist,jewelry designer,blogger,who has had some work published I am happy about. I see value in my story and pain to help others find a way out of it and to understand those they know with this. We didn’t cause it but we are responsible for what do with it. We need to be accountable and save selves you can’t save someone who doesn’t want saving. Is a battle within,sick part doesn’t want to get better but healthy side does. See it in alcoholics,drunks. Perhaps they too have this or BP. Borderline is an illness where person is on the border between neurosis and psychosis. It is a severe mental illness,despite what doctors have thought for years inthat it wasn’t one. It is multiple illnesses in one(PTSD,depression,anxiety,social phobia,agraphobia,paranoia.) Once k now what dealing with,it is highly treatable if person is commited to healing. Those in life need to go to therapist to cope and if in a relationship couples therapy. ‘Excuse rather than accuse’,set boundaries,love,have compassion not pity,encourage but don’t let self be a target to abuse or anger from person. Noone deserves that. This is a very spiritual experience and i believe one needs help in many eclectic treatments to overcome this almost divine intervention like a demon within. many with this were early sexualized,thus the sex piece and the power from looking good,closeness to opposite sex,being noticed. Sadly the personality is such that when get close to us we can crumble. I believe was the sad case of marilyn monroe(what a smart,beautiful yet tragic,childlike,needy person). i often feel like her as in when need help or want someone to talk to do something with,noone is there. i have an advocate though from BIANYS(brasininjury assoc.). I believe partly head injury brought this illness out and had the predisposition in family as other have mental problems. I have seen recently that my mouth gets me in trouble and best to be quiet as am misunderstood as alot of what i do is hard to control like a seizure,meds help. Working a program really helps too as not alone as in support groups on phone as live rural and stigma here. Fear,anger are big parts of this. my faith helps the fear. Compassion for self and others)forgive past and present imagined hurts,slights) helps as we are all imperfect and do the best can. I grew up in a home had to be perfect in. Society strives for this too. Also many mixed messages around sex,double standard. Alot of pressure put on women to be super people. Rejected when aren’t. This lessens anger for rude things people say at times to us as we are an enigma. So much going for us. look for the good i say in eachother,let go let God. You can’t do it alone. Addiction,madness is built in isolation.
These are very common illnesses as thousands of people in US alone are afflicted,just don’t hear about it as those who are lucky are in support groups like Recovery Inc.(google it),’Emotions Anonomous” based on AA 12 steps slogans. I have great faith in God,love my pets which keep me alive and give me something to care for besides me. I also do dialectical and cognitive behavior therapy and meditate. I share my experience,strength and hope with you.
Walking daily in the light.
-Ann
Monday, October 24, 2011
Besides seeing doctor for medicine and talk therapy can do..
Some services include:
- Meditation classes/groups(includes deep breathing,stretching,relaxing music)
*
Recovery Inc,EA,DBT,CBT classes/groups
* - Sharing on self-help techniques from Recovery Inc. and E.A. based on 12 steps of recovery.(email,$5/email) Books available. Google Recovery Inc. Book is Mental Health Through Will Training by Dr. Abraham Low. and Emotions Anonomys
*
-Teaching cognitive therapy(CBT) skills such as writing down most common worry,negative,angry,fearful,thoughts and flipping them around to secure thoughts so feel more comfortable. Book available. Feeling Good by Dr.Robert Burns.
*
-Teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills such as mindfulness which is observing,describing,dropping judgement or interpreting event so don't work self up or down and get angry,fearful and keep self respect.
*
- Faith-based healing ex. reading bible and clinging to scripture if feel fear,anger,encounter a difficult or person scared of.
*
art classes,groups(healing)
*
-a blog sharing alternative healing techniques that can be used with medication,doctor,therapist visits such as affirmations,aromatherapy,
*
And more!
*
I find the medical field can only do but so much and that we get a lot out of sharing our stories of recovery,management,improving,making small strides,successes with others(peers) who have been there or are living with these challenges too. If ask for advice from someone who doesn't go through this,they can say what they would do but they aren't us. They also don't know or understand what we go through.. If we compare ourselves to them and visa versa,will will always come up short and feel oppressed. They could read a book,go to a therapy session with you and even be around others such as us but even then they would be educated on this,even know how to speak to us so as to not make us feel worse. Is called mirroring and empathy. Doctors trained in trauma which I have been through can help me as have seen many who have been through what I have,ex.been a crime,domestic violence,child abuse,neglect,bullying victim. It is common for us to gravitate to home where safe and to have social problems with others as they can't relate to us and visa versa.
*
Suggestions are ok but advice isn't as is asking for it. What may be good for you is not for another. It leads to enablement,manipulation,self pity instead of compassion,experience+,strength,courage,hope and independence. Experience says I have done this before and it was ok like I walked to post office,see others going there and I came home ok. As survivors of violence,abuse,neglect,we need to firstly take the medicine,secondly keep ourselves safe,not accept anyone's garbage or judgements or comparisons of us to them but also not compare,judge them as well as our situation now,lower our expectations of self,others, situation,accept(Last stage of book Death and Dying). These stages one goes through with any catastrophic injury,event or illness. It takes awhile for the mind to process it all.
*
*
If someone says something mean about us,in ear shot or to us, we can chew on it and spit it out.If any truth to it we can work on it but if not we can let it and person go as is their problem not ours. We don't have to absorb that like a sponge and feel hurt.
Next we need to stop complaining,moping but keep busy,feeling sorry for self but have compassion for have been through,worrying.
After we see why the way are we can do something about it. Other wise are just feeling our way around in the dark without a flash light. A good therapist will be with you on as much of your journey as possible,sometimes holding your hand as you open the doors where you don't know what lies behind them. If we keep going and moving beyond our comfort zones and facing our fears and rejection from others as they don't understand(is why we keep talking to them about what are going through. ex. feeling,here at,what happened. Others say just do this you moron. It is so obvious,easy even. It is for them as don't have a gorilla on their back saying 'No!' They are not at here are so don't act like us. Doesn't make them better. It just explains why it has been hard to fly through life like them as one of or wings have been broken and we have been clueless as to how to mend it,can we mend it,do we even want to mend it as have lived this way for so long in pain,incredible pain and unbearable loneliness and fear and often anger as others can react to us cruelly out of exasperation. Why is best when asked how we are say ok and not speak of this but to a few supportive people.)
We often feel conflicted and have to just do the next sane,sober thing when in doubt or do nothing until the answers come. Often we feel incredible fear as don't know what to do. Sometimes are detached and feel nothing at all. Other times are right back in the past with flashbacks of our trauma like it is happening right no. Yes we can let go of the past No we don't forget it but it is a release so we get some perspective on it and can keep going as not there anymore. we sometimes fear though if put in same situation again it will repeat to which I say. 'The outer environment,people don't have maximum thrust and we have minimum resistance'. (quote from Recovery Inc. book). Is a balancing act with us as we can be overwhemed,overstimulated by too much information from media,being with people too long. We can distance selves and go home hen need quiet or shut off radio for a cd instead to quiet our mind. We really can control our minds quite a bit by little changes. Also if we do these things home, it is easier to cope with stress when with others and have a lot to do quickly and so on.
As in book I Hate you,don't leave me ,we can send out mixed messages as our moods fluctuate to being mature and strong to childlike and scared. Is because our thoughts are all over the place. May be hard to gage who one is talking to at any given day. No we are not split personalities. The goal is to integrate one personality with all these eclectic therapies and techniques. The work can be exhausting on patient and doctor which is why many don't take us on. I think it is because when childlike it is hard to do what is necessary as are dealing with a child,seeing the world through the eyes of a child. Then a doctor doing 'tough love' is unbearable and can send a person with borderline(my diagnosis) running. On the flip side,if one treats a person with borderline(notice I don't say a borderline just as I don't say sick,mentally ill as are stigmatizing,negative,degrading labels) as a sick child all the time even hen they are feeling capable and well,the person with BPD as it is called ill get angry and feel is being pitied and no progress is being made.
We can't handle overgeneralization like'she knows the coping tools but has trouble using them' as if didn't use them wouldn't be here still as this is a battle that goes on within the person. Knowing how to treat,talk to based on experience with many with this disorder,successfully is essential and not just a social worker who treats many illnesses as we are challenging. Due to the social difficulties, people with this illness have a high suicide rate. It is treatable though. ) Being kind is best approach to person with this and to calmly assuage her/his allegations of one not caring and alleged wrong doing.
I personally find my relationship with God and Jesus and relying on the Holy Spirit within me, most satisfying. By this I mean relying on ourselves with the strength,courage and guidance we get from God when we speak to him and read the word and apply it to our lives.
'Set your affection on things above,not on things on the earth'' Col 3:2
Again, services can be done in person or online through email and directing you to information online.
'Recovery from trauma is a journey similar to life. It is not a destination'.
If you have found anything interesting,helpful to you or a loved one with this,or an emotional illness, please make a donation to Recovery Inc.,Emotions Anonomous(non profits) or to me through my P O Box 1102 Cairo,NY 12413 c/o Ann Reilly. I am a financially struggling artist,designer,writer. My web site,blogs are here to help the public and share my story with you. I live on disability(notice don't say disabled as have many abilities and I believe in being proactive) and the art ,jewelry I sell is sporadic and supplements my income. Thanks. I wish you all the best on your journey to wellness or your loved one's and I thank you for visiting my page and ,for educating yourself about mental illness,it's causes,treatments so can share this with others to erase stigma,shame(we didn't cause this) and encourage inclusion of those afflicted into society and not exclusion so they can enjoy the same rights as you do. We too are human with feelings,in fact we feel so much more than you that it becomes hard to function normally.
I also thank you for supporting programs,groups,online mental health chat and learning coping tools, that work to help one cope with this and improve one's functioning, so one doesn't commit suicide(support out of the darkness walks. One in Catskill,NY on October 1st,2011)-
Donor Drive to support suicide prevention programs.
'Every life is precious in the eyes of the Lord and all of us are here for a unique divine purpose in his order of things'.
'Lean not to thy own understanding but trust in the Lord and He will direct thy path and make the crooked ways straight.' -The Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6
Many blessings,
Ann :)
Survivor's Art Foundation
SAMHA Substance Abuse Mental Health Association
DBSA Depression Bipolar Support Association
NAMI National Association for the Mentally Ill
BIANYS Brain Injury Association of NY state
Body,Mind,Spirit Directory
- Meditation classes/groups(includes deep breathing,stretching,relaxing music)
*
Recovery Inc,EA,DBT,CBT classes/groups
* - Sharing on self-help techniques from Recovery Inc. and E.A. based on 12 steps of recovery.(email,$5/email) Books available. Google Recovery Inc. Book is Mental Health Through Will Training by Dr. Abraham Low. and Emotions Anonomys
*
-Teaching cognitive therapy(CBT) skills such as writing down most common worry,negative,angry,fearful,thoughts and flipping them around to secure thoughts so feel more comfortable. Book available. Feeling Good by Dr.Robert Burns.
*
-Teaching Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills such as mindfulness which is observing,describing,dropping judgement or interpreting event so don't work self up or down and get angry,fearful and keep self respect.
*
- Faith-based healing ex. reading bible and clinging to scripture if feel fear,anger,encounter a difficult or person scared of.
*
art classes,groups(healing)
*
-a blog sharing alternative healing techniques that can be used with medication,doctor,therapist visits such as affirmations,aromatherapy,
*
And more!
*
I find the medical field can only do but so much and that we get a lot out of sharing our stories of recovery,management,improving,making small strides,successes with others(peers) who have been there or are living with these challenges too. If ask for advice from someone who doesn't go through this,they can say what they would do but they aren't us. They also don't know or understand what we go through.. If we compare ourselves to them and visa versa,will will always come up short and feel oppressed. They could read a book,go to a therapy session with you and even be around others such as us but even then they would be educated on this,even know how to speak to us so as to not make us feel worse. Is called mirroring and empathy. Doctors trained in trauma which I have been through can help me as have seen many who have been through what I have,ex.been a crime,domestic violence,child abuse,neglect,bullying victim. It is common for us to gravitate to home where safe and to have social problems with others as they can't relate to us and visa versa.
*
Suggestions are ok but advice isn't as is asking for it. What may be good for you is not for another. It leads to enablement,manipulation,self pity instead of compassion,experience+,strength,courage,hope and independence. Experience says I have done this before and it was ok like I walked to post office,see others going there and I came home ok. As survivors of violence,abuse,neglect,we need to firstly take the medicine,secondly keep ourselves safe,not accept anyone's garbage or judgements or comparisons of us to them but also not compare,judge them as well as our situation now,lower our expectations of self,others, situation,accept(Last stage of book Death and Dying). These stages one goes through with any catastrophic injury,event or illness. It takes awhile for the mind to process it all.
*
*
If someone says something mean about us,in ear shot or to us, we can chew on it and spit it out.If any truth to it we can work on it but if not we can let it and person go as is their problem not ours. We don't have to absorb that like a sponge and feel hurt.
Next we need to stop complaining,moping but keep busy,feeling sorry for self but have compassion for have been through,worrying.
After we see why the way are we can do something about it. Other wise are just feeling our way around in the dark without a flash light. A good therapist will be with you on as much of your journey as possible,sometimes holding your hand as you open the doors where you don't know what lies behind them. If we keep going and moving beyond our comfort zones and facing our fears and rejection from others as they don't understand(is why we keep talking to them about what are going through. ex. feeling,here at,what happened. Others say just do this you moron. It is so obvious,easy even. It is for them as don't have a gorilla on their back saying 'No!' They are not at here are so don't act like us. Doesn't make them better. It just explains why it has been hard to fly through life like them as one of or wings have been broken and we have been clueless as to how to mend it,can we mend it,do we even want to mend it as have lived this way for so long in pain,incredible pain and unbearable loneliness and fear and often anger as others can react to us cruelly out of exasperation. Why is best when asked how we are say ok and not speak of this but to a few supportive people.)
We often feel conflicted and have to just do the next sane,sober thing when in doubt or do nothing until the answers come. Often we feel incredible fear as don't know what to do. Sometimes are detached and feel nothing at all. Other times are right back in the past with flashbacks of our trauma like it is happening right no. Yes we can let go of the past No we don't forget it but it is a release so we get some perspective on it and can keep going as not there anymore. we sometimes fear though if put in same situation again it will repeat to which I say. 'The outer environment,people don't have maximum thrust and we have minimum resistance'. (quote from Recovery Inc. book). Is a balancing act with us as we can be overwhemed,overstimulated by too much information from media,being with people too long. We can distance selves and go home hen need quiet or shut off radio for a cd instead to quiet our mind. We really can control our minds quite a bit by little changes. Also if we do these things home, it is easier to cope with stress when with others and have a lot to do quickly and so on.
As in book I Hate you,don't leave me ,we can send out mixed messages as our moods fluctuate to being mature and strong to childlike and scared. Is because our thoughts are all over the place. May be hard to gage who one is talking to at any given day. No we are not split personalities. The goal is to integrate one personality with all these eclectic therapies and techniques. The work can be exhausting on patient and doctor which is why many don't take us on. I think it is because when childlike it is hard to do what is necessary as are dealing with a child,seeing the world through the eyes of a child. Then a doctor doing 'tough love' is unbearable and can send a person with borderline(my diagnosis) running. On the flip side,if one treats a person with borderline(notice I don't say a borderline just as I don't say sick,mentally ill as are stigmatizing,negative,degrading labels) as a sick child all the time even hen they are feeling capable and well,the person with BPD as it is called ill get angry and feel is being pitied and no progress is being made.
We can't handle overgeneralization like'she knows the coping tools but has trouble using them' as if didn't use them wouldn't be here still as this is a battle that goes on within the person. Knowing how to treat,talk to based on experience with many with this disorder,successfully is essential and not just a social worker who treats many illnesses as we are challenging. Due to the social difficulties, people with this illness have a high suicide rate. It is treatable though. ) Being kind is best approach to person with this and to calmly assuage her/his allegations of one not caring and alleged wrong doing.
I personally find my relationship with God and Jesus and relying on the Holy Spirit within me, most satisfying. By this I mean relying on ourselves with the strength,courage and guidance we get from God when we speak to him and read the word and apply it to our lives.
'Set your affection on things above,not on things on the earth'' Col 3:2
Again, services can be done in person or online through email and directing you to information online.
'Recovery from trauma is a journey similar to life. It is not a destination'.
If you have found anything interesting,helpful to you or a loved one with this,or an emotional illness, please make a donation to Recovery Inc.,Emotions Anonomous(non profits) or to me through my P O Box 1102 Cairo,NY 12413 c/o Ann Reilly. I am a financially struggling artist,designer,writer. My web site,blogs are here to help the public and share my story with you. I live on disability(notice don't say disabled as have many abilities and I believe in being proactive) and the art ,jewelry I sell is sporadic and supplements my income. Thanks. I wish you all the best on your journey to wellness or your loved one's and I thank you for visiting my page and ,for educating yourself about mental illness,it's causes,treatments so can share this with others to erase stigma,shame(we didn't cause this) and encourage inclusion of those afflicted into society and not exclusion so they can enjoy the same rights as you do. We too are human with feelings,in fact we feel so much more than you that it becomes hard to function normally.
I also thank you for supporting programs,groups,online mental health chat and learning coping tools, that work to help one cope with this and improve one's functioning, so one doesn't commit suicide(support out of the darkness walks. One in Catskill,NY on October 1st,2011)-
Donor Drive to support suicide prevention programs.
'Every life is precious in the eyes of the Lord and all of us are here for a unique divine purpose in his order of things'.
'Lean not to thy own understanding but trust in the Lord and He will direct thy path and make the crooked ways straight.' -The Bible, Proverbs 3:5-6
Many blessings,
Ann :)
Survivor's Art Foundation
SAMHA Substance Abuse Mental Health Association
DBSA Depression Bipolar Support Association
NAMI National Association for the Mentally Ill
BIANYS Brain Injury Association of NY state
Body,Mind,Spirit Directory
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Smudging
Smudging is a ceremony for cleansing when one uses preferably sage sweeet grass and cedar. I had burned incense of sage and then added lavendar and rose oil to air to give back a positive energy to my home after expelled the negative. Then I used the ashes and rubbed them on my self similar to ash Wednesday principle. I put them on my spine where I have pain. This protects me.
I had a nice productive visit with my mom today.
Watch your mouth!
Oprah Winfrey (she has a nice smile and good teeth. Don't forget to check out her site on puppy mills. Don't buy from a pet store but save a life at a shelter!!
which includes flossing, brushing your teeth,gums,tongue,using salt water,gargling with listerine mouth wash and even scaling off the calcium deposits that can accumulate. Your carotid artery is near your mouth so it is dangerous not to take care of yor teeth and gums due to laziness and fatigue. I can be guilty of this myself as I am tired and fall into bed but no excuse as I can make the time to do them earlier and will from now on as I do more work in the long run when I neglect them. There is nothing attractive about being toothless or having to wear dentures before your time.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Art as a form of prayer..
I attended a workshop on art as prayer Saturday at Oneness in Peace Center, www.Onenessinpeace.org in Germantown, NY and I enjoyed myself and did some art work while there. They have retreats at their house and offer meditation as a way to connect with God.
Above is one of my recent works. My take of Van Gogh's work. What you think..is there a likeness to it? Do you like it?
Walking closely with God..
and doing the next sober thing..I am keeping self,pets,home safe. I also feed my wild birds,bunnies out back. All I have control over. I do what can. Good Karma.
As far as career goes.. I say I am an artist. I have made $ off modeling but will only do projects I feel comfortable with. I had done cam chat too but am not doing it anymore as fed my addiction. As for addiction...my first feeble attempts at intimacy were met with abandonment. I thought man would stick by me once we "did it". Not the case..on to next is what they do. Is best not to rush into it unless know real well. Nice in theory but being human hard to control hormones. I also found with rejection is was less painful to have sex when I wanted it but soon it became a compulsion. I also felt embarrassed and guilty by what did as double standard for women. I tried to fight this as a feminist and as men did. In reality I was not a man and had more to risk than a man and paid the price.
Of late I journal in blog here and yes I have the web site so I guess I am sharing my experience,strength and hope with others on this same road. Yes we can live with this,we do not need to be ashamed as is a a sickness like any other and yes we can get better. It does take time. Don't let anyone put you down.
I am trying to come to terms with what has happened to me..the why's,how's and so on. From my understanding..I was hurt by some pretty sick people who them selves were hurt. Also it made them feel better about selves to pick on me for being different and not doing to 9-5 job or whatever their problem with me was. None of their business. It took focus off them. I in turn hurt people by following the drama triangle...one minute perpetrator,next minute victim next minute rescuer..I caught self in it with friend the other day and I caught my self and I said what he does is not business. When I get plank out of my eye can take out speck in his. I had to look at good in him and there is alot there. I have no right to hurt another. I am far from perfect yet he accepts me,cares and isn't judging.
I also resented the men I was hurt by who used me and in turn I said well use him back. I know they feared intimacy like me and settled for this way of getting close if only for a night..which was a misuse of sex and addictive.
I didn't know how to relate to anyone in a healthy way as I didn't accept me. I never was accepted for me. I do now with my flaws and mistakes. I am human. I was brought up to be perfect so human was not acceptable. I am a human being not doing. I have learned it's not about me or you but God. To do what is necessary daily and not just what I want. It doesn't mean I don't have some thing to contribute like my writing as I think I have some thing to say based on what I have learned. I have a place in this world and don't need to excuse myself for being on the planet anymore. I think in this way I can relate to others and be kind without trying to save them,control them and then persecute them when they do not do as I say like I am God and then play the victim. I can only handle me and man that is enough.
So for today I can say I am writing. As a model yes some stuff was published in book,magazine,on web sites,private collectors and yes I was paid so am accomplished by society's standards. I even had a poem published. I have written articles for news paper.
These days I would say I am trying to find some thing to get absorbed in and feel good about. What is a success? Could be many things..being a good parent,having a career,being a good spouse...is a person thing. For me it is having a purpose for good and living a decent life and when I put my head on the pillow being able to live with me. It is not about money. All I need is enough to get by. I don't date as I need to get strong enough in me so don't repeat behaviour of past so I stop being hurt. I am taking care of me and don't need a man to complete me.
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