Bitch

Not a bad word as means you assert yourself and don't take people's crap. Next time someone calls you that,say thanks. Keep being that way as many in this society think kindness is weakness and step all over ya'.

Cool site I found taht touched on victim and triangle mentioned on previous post. It also has many otehr posts on daily happenings and opinions expressed on varying topics.
See Heartless Bitches

I used to think being nice would keep me out of trouble but it is best to be self. CAn be hard tho when can't trust taht person. Why I work a step program and take care of me and stay clear of toxic people. Who are they? Simmply they are those who we feel badly around.

Drama Triangle

Icarus Project

Is something I have done as an addict with emotional problems and codependent issues which perpetuated dependency on each of our parts (first with mom and me) then (male friend and me). It also involved some rescuing as took focus off each other. My part was acting like God and how I know what is best for you by being very controlling. At the same time others were my GOD so I didn't have to take responsibility for me and didn't trust my judgement. Such behaviour of changing from victim to rescuer to persecutor is called the Drama Triangle. I feel I help Bill, my friend as he doesn't do stuff for self like open mail. I have layed off alot and have made suggestions and not gotten angry and left for him to do or not. After I did stuff when didn't want to ..I felt resentment and took it out on him. He in turn would get angry with me if I backed off and did for self.

I also have been victimized in relationshps, on jobs and where i live by neighbors. Now is all can do about so I keep to self,ignore and avoid em. Seems to work. As for men I don't date as don't need to get close and they leave. As for jobs I work on own and trying to find model jobs .

For more on behavoior of triangel look here

The Problem

Problem


I was angry that I had to go thru all this stuff. I asked why me? God replied why not you? I never promised you it would be easy. All of us had burdens in life. Just some hide them better. When emotional like I can be it is more noticeable. I am trying to watch what I say and be positive as alot of it is how I think. Mental illness still contains stigma,anger and fear around it as it is not understood. Many think of us as nutty and dangerous. These are but a few and most of us are victims of crime due to our passivity,fear of others,being alone as we avoid others and they avoid us making us easy prey for criminals. Emotional illness effects us all to some degree as we all have emotions and live on the same earth. Many hide it and manage it better is all. None of came from perfect families and we all have issues. For some tho it is more and a chemical imbalance and is genetically and environmentally linked. Partially has to do on how was raised and runs in families just as addiction does and abuse. One acts today due largely on how was parented and socialized.

(BP) bipolar,which affects 3 million Americans alone, can be helped with therapy and medication. This is not 100% tho and there is no cure and nooone ever is recovers completely. It is just arrested daily and managed. How is it managed? By watching who one is around and what one does in a day to avoid stressors and toxic people. These same things would not bother the average person but because people with BP are more sensitive it does. Many artists:musician,actors,writiers have this but give so much to society. Some have shared on having this recently like Jane Pauley,Linda Hamilton and others to bring it more out to the open and not behind closed doors. One is only as SICK as one's secrets. In the light of day and by talking about them they become less scary. Why some have also shared in open forums such as hospitals at conventions,schools at the auditorium,churches,etc. so such individuals will be more accepted in society. Hate the sin not the sinner.

One can control one's strong reactions to certain people by disipating one's anger which is often a part of mental illness. Women tend to turn it inward as depression and men outward. We all do and say dumb things as are human. This helps us lose anger. Fear is another part of illness and one can get paranoid and think others are talking about and laughing at them and one is less then because has this and others know more as can think straight even tho we are smart. By turning it over to God and having faith this helps overcome this. Being around others closely in groups tho may still be hard and many function better working alone or at home and have a few friends and avoid groups of people and busy stores. What is mania? The oppposite of the lows of depression one feels happy but also irritable,stressed and the mind is racing with many thoughts so one has to keep moving and doing things. This is often caused by extreme stress,possibly a change in life. this is why it is important to limit change in life altho life is about change major changes can cause one to "cycle" or go in waves from high to low. Often caused also by not taking meds or taking them not at prescribed dose as dose often causes them to lose highs and they feel base line or not happy or sad. Often unfortunately many feel sad as not on right antidepressant or one needs to do more cognitive therapy which is changing negative thoughts to positive. *For more on bipolar click links on Bipolar Planet and Bipolar World Some keep mood charts. What are they?! Mood cahrts measure moods highs and lows based on teh days occurences and who came in contact with and waht was said and one's reactions to it. The goal is to realize can't control other's but we can act not act by accepting them and not personalizing everything like many with depression do.

Ten common thought distortions depressed people often follow are:

1.Mental filtering (something negative happens and then everything is negative)

2. Personalization-taking things personally

3. All or nothing thinking. Can't see greys. If one thing goes wrong it is all wrong.

4. Disqualifying the positive

5. Maximizing and minimizing.

6. Jumping to conclusions

7. Should statements

8. Overgeneralization

9. Emotional Reasoning_ex. I feel bad so therefore I am bad.

10. Labeling and Mislabeling

Those with (BPD) borderline personality disorder have abandonment,intimacy and trust issues. Often they have chosen partners and friends,employers who reinforce these feelings experienced as a child because they have unfinished business here. Also feel wouldn't attract a nice,caring man or woman friend. We can get child like at times as inner child comes out. It is important to acknowledge the child and not shove it down. Also illness resembles OCD,obsessive compulsive disorder as when one has a thought obsessing on it constantly like a new lover in the life,someone who has treated us shabbily or a job. Then one acts from a compulsive area acting out if lover doesn't call. for ex. May go out with someone else.

Also BPD is like PTSD,post traumatic disorder as when under stress brings up abuse as a child and low frustration level and trauma so gets symptomatic and back down from a job or relationship. What causes it? Due to neglect in home I was shy and withdrawn and an easy target for bullies in school. Also was a victim of crime a few times which caused me to dissociate or go some place in my head and can do that now if some one is unkind or abusive like was hit in face by an old b/f as he was screaming in my face. I came to have a hard time on job dealing with the social aspects of it. Men have not stuck with me and have left as couldn't handle or didn't understand or care to understand illness. How does one cope if feel like a child alot inside even tho in an adult body?! Mastery...the more we accomplish and grow in confidence we earn we can truly take care of us on our own and we lose the fear and the pain taht child experienced.She/he willl always be tehre ready to pop out screaming we don't want to do this at the oddest of times when presented with some thing we fear. Some times it is in our best interests to heed taht voice. Other times we must say I know you are afraid but I as an adult will now protect you so we don't get hurt. So the abuse stops and we come to terms with the past and can move on and forgive those who mistreated us in their pain.

Getting together with a friend or other support person helps me(once a week). Also speaking with therapist once a week. Unlike others I have few friends as is hard to understand this and to be around it. But that is now and I do continue to be friendly and atleast I am around people when I shop. Slowly I hope to open the gates of trust and in time be known and trusted also by more people.

I hope you enjoy my site. It is my wish that you learn something on addiction and emotional illness. Is intertwined with codependency, usually with another addict or rescuer who is also known as the enabler. It is rooted in the family dynamic and thus is a family illness and not just the addict's or emotionally ill person's problem. Difficulty with controlling emotions usually stems from lies were told and the ones we now tell ourselves. Many have depression and stress in lives now. I believe while we are all sensitive, some are more so than others and for them living and working closely to others who say and do wahtever without thinking of who they are speaking to can be very difficult. They do not have "thick skins" but thin despite being told to "toughen up".

The health care system doesn't work the way it is set up as there is a division in society with those who have emotinal challenges versus those who don't. Those with mental illness depend on mental health services and meds,live in group homes,work in MHA,mental health association,where they don't deal with the public. When the outside gets too hard they go in hospital for a week til insurance runs out and go back out to a society who doesn't understand them,doesn't care as they think not their problem and doesn't effect them. This creates a viscious cycle taht is repaeated by many in the System,instead of keeping people out and supporting thru positive reinforcement small steps to connect to healthier,tolerant,kind,consistent people.

Since I for instance KNOW I have problems and work on them daily and don't deny them..I am in some ways healthier then those who don't and kill,hurt their kids,elders,steal and what not. Also some have bipolar and other disorders and deny it and just work and struggle thru society and don't get along with others. What needs to happen is taht we become more accepting of those who are different as God doesn't make junk. We can all learn from each other. What have I lerned from this?! To be humble and lose ego..Because of this the way I look at life is different. It's not about making alot of $ but live comfortable and be able to enjoy it and consider the poor and help thy neighbor. Sometimes this means smiling,saying a kind word,opening or holding a door. People can be cruel as don't understand it which makes person keep to self and stay depressed as can be lonely living this way. I want to add that it isn't mentally healthy to be mean to another. Cho,who killed all the student at VA Tech was bullied all thru high school himself. While many won't kill just because hurt by others is important to look at self and ask do I want to perpetuate this just because I see others do it?! Can I risk not being popular and say Enough!

We can only create a healthier society by stopping the sick way many of us speak to one another. We are all equal and worthy and God's children. We deserve love and respect just because we are alive and not for what we do which often is never enough as we have been told as children that many things we did were wrong and perhaps even we were bad. Doesn't help when many in society are the same way because of what they came out of. All we can do is stick with supportive,uncritical,loving people and minimize contact with those we don't feel good around. We also need to change the tapes that run in our heads of negative statements some have said to us. Were the words true? If not,rewrite them and move on.

Marsha Linehan,founder of DBT,says she 2 has BPD

Can find link to this post here to read her story.

hmm..guess didn't add link but it's on net so google it.

Good food for you...

(hint)MmcDonald's double cheese burger and fries,while still a good deal at $ 1.20 not 99 cents, is not one of them! Read more

America's Got talent..Inspiration

'Abundant Life' blog. The author is a practicing Christian,something rare these days. She has inspirational quotes from the Bible on her blog like on fruit,faith and works. It lifted my spirits and will yours as well. 'Come tho you be burdened and heavy laden and you will be comforted." my children..

Tracey Chapman and Peter Gabriel singing 'Don't Give Up!'

building school in South Africa
playing wor world change. We're all in this together!
voices round the world..


at 'A Disgruntled Republican!' Funny clip on Obama's stimulus package, a real hoot!

well..not love LUV. Like I'm not a dyke or anything folks! Speaking of..are you gay?! Check this funny video out of her stand up routine on gays or being gay or what the hell is she anyway?! Like she lives with a guy and has a girl friend ok? oh yeh he's herhusband! But don't get me wrong folks. i really d don't give a shit!
Why do i luv her? Well everything is fair game to her,like most good comedians and comediennes..they find the humor in everything even a href="">. Embrace our inner ape folks!

A Creed To Live By

Don't undermine your worth by comparing
yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set your goals by what other people
deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them
life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time,
you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don't dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget
not only where you've been, but also where you're going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored
each step of the way.

~ Nancye Sims ~






"Letting Go"

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off....
It's the realization that I can't control another.....

To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

~ ~ ~ ~ author unknown ~ ~ ~ ~


Do everything with a mind that lets go.
Do not expect any praise or reward.
If you let go a little, you will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.
If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom.
Your struggles with the world
will have come to an end.

insight meditation - achaan chah



Subject: Life is a Gift

There was once a blind girl who hated herself
for no other reason except that she was blind. She hated everyone,
except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that
if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend. One
day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see
everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, "Now that
you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl was shocked when
she saw that her boyfriend was blind. Not wanting to be burdened by a
'blind' person, she refused to marry him. Her loving, devoted and
understanding boyfriend walked away in tears, his heart obviously
broken. The girl who had been so fortunate to have the world opened up
to her, continued enjoying it; day in and day out....trying to never
miss a single pleasure life had to offer. A while later she received a
letter from her ex-boy friend which stated simply......."I sincerely
hope you enjoy your life. Your happiness was all that ever mattered to
me. I am so happy that you are enjoying life as I always hoped you
could. "I would like to ask one parting favor of you my dear ... Just
take care of my eyes."


This as sad as it may seem is how the human
brain changes when our status changes. Only a few remember what life was
like before and who has always been there even in the most painful
situations.


Life Is A Gift Today! Before you think of
saying an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife -
Think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion.

Today, before you complain about life - Think of
someone who went too early to their graves.

Before you complain about your children - Think
of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone
didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the
streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive -
Think of someone who walks the same distance.

And when you are tired and complain about your
job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they
had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or
condemning another -Remember that not one of us are without sin and we
all answer to one maker.


And when depressing thoughts seem to get you
down - Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still
around.


Life is a gift...
Live it...
Enjoy it....
Celebrate it...
And fulfill it.
Celebrate the gift and open your present
daily.....
"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way."



No mistake I read this today as is just what I needed as I get very down. I get angry at mean spirited people or when I feel slighted by so called freinds when they let me down. It is then I need to dig in my heels and pray more and do more for myself and don't depend on others who may let me down or some who say mean things as they hurt and have been hurt and is how they were treated. Have felt pretty down of late but I am working it thru. I do mantra to Let Go of the thoughts,problems and people in my life...and let God in. I can't, he can I think I'll let him. When I try to run the show I always feel bad. Hard to know what his will is for me tho..today is do the laundry and then work on this site a bit and take a nap,eat and watch some tv later. My priority is keeping me well. I had suicidal thoughts Friday but my pets save me as they,mom and birds depend on me. I feel lonely as am alone alot as I protect self. I am around people tho when go to store and such so not alone in world tho I get lonely. Goal is to keep self safe daily and do the next sober thing.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it..."~~Mark Twain

I need to have some forgiveness like I show to my mom who did her best with what she had but I still was a neglected kid. It is that kid in me that feels these feelings when it gets triggered by others. I lived with my dad's aunt and daughter growing up with my aunt's daughter visiting and they pretty much took over raising me as they hated my mom and bullied her. Why did they hate her?! Because they felt she wasn't good enough for my dad who wasn't perfect either. My mom is a person and has good in her and is smart. One of the greatest things I see in her is acceptance of how things are in life. I am an idealism who tries to change the world around me.. I do not think it isn't admirable to be like me as I do change a few things in this life by being in it Like "It's a wonderful life" our lives do touch others' lives for better or worse and there is a lesson to be learned in the contact we make with others. She also lowers her expectations of others and life so she isn't disappointed. I expect good and am disappointed when it doesn't turn out that way. I then feel down for the attempt. Perhaps I need to be more realistic of how things and people are. I need to look for the good in each day and in people and not their faults.

My mom left when I was 16..I visited her and later came to live with her as they had replaced scapegoating her with doing it to me. Not fun. She for the most part watched tv after work and I had depressed by 16. Also in car accident with head injury. Also mugged and beaten up. It effected me as I couldn't concentrate,sad alot,had problems remembering stuff thus home work was hard. Also got picked on by a few men @ 30 at job at hospital which was ridiculous due to my age. .Didn't learn how to deal with conflict but started avoiding it and ignoring perpetrators. I learned to keep to self to avoid pain.Being alone did make me an easy target tho for bullies and young people in groups as they would throw the occasional insult to impress friends. Also have been a crime victim several times as walked alone and wasn't a fighter.l I have become more alert to my surroundings and am not out ast night,don't carry much cash,moved to rural area and so on..

I am finally coming to terms with this stuff now instead of the weekly check in at the therapist's office. She says what's new? How's it going? Then poof time is up. Guess is what therapy and 12 step and journaling is about as it brings it to the front. Can't hide from it any longer. Deal with it or stay buggy. Why it is a courageous act as few really want to face past and selves now to free self for a better tomorrow. Is easier to escape it with food shopping or whatever for the quick fix and burry head in sand and avoid it and stay as nutty as everyone around knows you are and doesn't tell you. Maybe some do but it is said in such a way that hurts your feelings and you retaliate rather than do anything. Many of us are this way due to unhealed issues of the past. I stay away from joining clubs that might interest me for fear I may not be accepted,uncomfortable with new people and just have acquaintences and coworkers at school and work but no ,one close or to care about or be cared for.

In this case, it refers to 'old posts' resurrected. * Why you may ask am I reposting old posts?! ..Well..apparently hardly anyone is looking at them and I do have the popular and most interesting ones listed even on the right towards the end of the page but then that is probably why noone reads them. That being that they are at the end of the page!

"HOme Spa" (2008)

I know today is supposed to be extremely hot here in upstate NY. Be especially careful folks if you have respiratory and heart problems or are elderly. Use your air conditions as opposed to fans which just blow pollen and such about..I use fans as I have pets and the other can be linked to arthritis. I like open windows especially in the summer but then that is me and I don't have major health concerns OK?!

What other home spa treatments are there you may be asking yourself?! Well I mentioned the other day that green tea was good for hair. It can also be used as a tint for hair along with vegetable oils. Henna is also used for a more natural effect as opposed to peroxide found in many dyes. Health food store does carry some colorings though that are not harsh or tested on animals. I like the Kiss my Face line of products see Kiss my face and Burt's Bee's soaps and such. Kiss my face line originated in the Hudson Valley of upstate NY in response to vegetarian's desire for ethical non animal testing healthy skin care products. I know my therapist years ago and we're talking say 1996, she used to use them..Anyway,the prices are great too.

I bought a tinted plum colored lip balm by Alba brand with peppermint flavoring in it. mm..They call them Terra Tints. They also come in like an ice pink and earth brown tones. see It has oils in it like olive,coconut and soy for moisturizing benefit too. In fact according to Dr. Bronner and Woods,they both also have great castile soap..see Dr.Woods and Dr. Bronner Anyway they say all you need is enough sleep and to use the castile soap with lavender,peppermint,olive,coconut,tea tree oils in it...and that is enough of a cosmetic for the skin. Makes sense as if you have perfect skin,skin being our largest organ..then why would we even need makeup to cover it up?! I would add to that beauty regimen tho in tha I say drink alot of water also so you get all the poisons out of your body. Cranberry juice is good too as is sitting in the dead sea salts, I mentioned earlier.. as they bring the toxins to the surface and then you take a warm shower and then nap.

In these economic times it is hard now to go on a vacation or at least one that is far. NOt only this but it is a pain with the terrorists and the airport searches and long lines now with the gas situation and also the cost of travel whether by car or bus or plane..

What does one do?! Stay home! Make your home your sanctuary and a great place to be by investing in some home improvement. I bought recently some plants to beautify the front yard. I also bought an oil diffuser, a must with pets I have my paintings on my walls to a add a personal touch. I need to add light and color to the living room as is dark and drab. I will accomplish this with some wall treatments like adding canvas to the wall in a pastel color.

The room is a weird shape too as is rectangular not square. Slowly I will get it together. I have a nice front porch as i choose not to go in the back yard as there is poison ivy and weeds back there and the neighbors took it over anyway as are inconsiderate and rude. Yeh is supposed to be shared but what you gonna do with such people but avoid them. That is what I do. Let them hang out with the mosquitos I'll keep the front where I have a table chairs my bird feeders to watch the birds wind chimes and yes all my plants I just bought! I also go a rose bush a friend will put in ground for me today so I can have fresh roses all season. I love the smell of roses how about you?

Friend Bill worked the organic farm yesterday as is in charge of composting. In exchange he got some produce. He is bringing some radishes and fresh spinach to me today. mm..

In case you didn't know the leafy vegetables are great against depression. I don't know about you but I rather eat well than take those nasty pills with the side effects. Don't get me wrong,they are a great buffer. In times of stress they help. However food,healthy food can do wonders for you and help you think and function better. Omega fatty acids found in flax seed have been linked to better brain function and eye improvement as well. In fact vitamin deficiencies of omega fatty acids can cause learning difficulties. The oils too that I use in my practice help you be happier like orange and it makes you more alert like the fennel with the licorice smell.

Many office buildings that are SICK would be better off if windows were opened and they used these oils to help their employees. In the long run all would be healthier and do more work. Instead the air filtration vents are polluted often with dead animals like mice and they breathe in the fumes all day in close closed quarters. ugh!

Talk to the management. They did studies and checked the vents and you'd be surprised what they found. It's like the mattresses. Many are full of dust mites. Why you need to not only change your sheets regularly,at least once a week,but you also need to steam clean the mattress and rugs in your home. Rugs attract bugs like fleas and yes mites as they burrow into the weave of the rug and infections caused by the animal scratching and biting insanely in response to the bite and itch. They can cause mange in your pets and skin diseases so beware. Many vacuums have HEPA filtration systems that have good suction in picking up the dirt. The dust particles is what accumulate and can cause disease. Now vacuums are being made with lights on them with natural light to kill the bugs as well.

There are also natural sea salt air cleaners which absorb the pollutants. Keep your windows open and fans on to circulate the air during the summer months as it is warm enough now as opposed to the winter when the windows are closed due to cold temps. Drink lots of water and have juice too like grape for the heart and cranberry for the urinary tract. This flushes the toxins naturally without colon cleansers from the body. Load up on raw! Yes raw veggies and fruits,nuts,trail mix cereal,granola bars for snacking healthily. Use olive foil in your foods too.

Don't forget to exercise but be smart about it Please! Don't be out there in the high noon jogging like you see some fools do. Walk or bike for cardio in the morning early or in the evening hours. Don't forget our weights for toning but not too much ladies! We don't want to look like Neanderhals do we! ~ Let's embrace our femininity and lift not more than 10 lbs. but increase the repetitions to atleast 15 a day to prevent those sagging arms. You want to wear the sleeveless tops to be cool so do this.

EAt alot of salads too . One can have egg,macaroni,chef,tuna,chicken...you don't have to eat like a rabbit folks and yes yo can even use sow mayonnaise but use moderation n all things even as we know our exposure to the sun! We still do need the vitamin E it gives us so indulge but use sun screen.